It Had To Be You
by manhattanProject
Summary: What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared a little too much for friends but not enough to share. Alex/Mitchie AU one-shot


**a/n: hey there! i wrote a thing. hope u like it.**

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All I could remember thinking of, when I sat on my bed and watched her collecting the last of her things that night, was how calmly she was doing everything. Mitchie was always the breeze while I was the hurricane, for as long as I could remember. I could feel the veins in my hands and wrists pulsing against the surface of the flesh. With my heart in my stomach I handed her the shirt she was reaching for.

"Thanks," she said politely. I swallowed the mass of saliva I let collect in my throat and nodded.

"Please don't leave," I managed to get out at an impressively audible volume. Considering my best friend was about to move out because of me I didn't think I would have been able to say anything at all. She sighed, stopping what she was doing, and stayed with her back facing me.

"Alex…"

"I'm sorry. Anything I did, Mitch I promise I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything," she reassured me, turning around to look at me. She looked sorry too. She always looked sorry and I didn't know how to stop myself from making that damn look on her face keep reappearing.

"Of course I did. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be packing at all."

"It's really not you. And I don't blame you for anything."

"Then why can't we just pretend like none of this happened?"

"I can't do that, Alex. You know I can't." It felt like my heart was burning, like someone was holding a piece of hot metal against it. I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't come up with anything substantial. "Don't feel bad. It's not like you're not still going to be my best friend. It's for the best. Let me get out of your hair."

"You're not _in my hair_. I want you to be here. We've lived together for so long now I can't…" I stopped and took a breath while simultaneously pushing my hair out of my face. I felt like I had a moment of peace but it lasted all of one second and then vanished. "I can't picture you not being here anymore."

"Well we knew it was going to happen eventually."

"But _Mitch_," I said with no real counterargument. I was helpless, if that's what you could call it.

"I can't force you to do or feel anything Alex. That's it."

"But-"

"Some people think it's romantic," she said thoughtfully, looking down at the folded up shirt in her hands. It was like she was talking to herself, like she was the only one in the room. "Trying so hard, you know? But it's not. It's sad and annoying and I never wanted to do that to you. I'm not going to wait or keep trying. If it's not gonna work then it's not gonna work."

"You're not annoying me."

"I know things didn't work out and I'm okay with that."

"Then _what_ are you doing?" I didn't think my voice could have sounded any sadder but I was outdoing myself left and right. "Just stay with me, Mitchie."

"We need to figure out what we want and we're never going to do that when we're right there twenty four seven. Maybe we need a moment to breathe."

"Then we'll take a moment. This isn't a moment. This is you flat out _leaving_."

She gathered the remainder of her things and made sure everything was packed and set. She had been putting boxes together throughout the week leading up to that night where she was just collecting the last of it. I watched her each day hoping she would change her mind. I probably could have done something but even now I have no idea what would have made her stay by that point.

"Look…you know I love you Alex. But I hate what's become of us. I shouldn't have pushed you to begin with…but I can only take so much now. I can't keep sitting around wondering if you just can't make up your mind or if it's all really nothing."

I hated how those were the only two options she gave. She made it sound so bad. I knew I wasn't innocent in all of this but it was all so overwhelming. Of course she wasn't _nothing_ but it was more complicated than simply making up my mind. At least that's what I told myself all the time.

"It's not nothing," I said quietly but she gave me this look as if I had said nothing at all to try and stop her from leaving. She looked down and sighed.

"We'll keep in touch."

I had met Mitchie in middle school when she was assigned as my tutor in math. I had never cared to get to know her. I just wanted a better grade so my parents would leave me alone about it. She never seemed like the type of person I would be friends with. She wouldn't talk often and passed the time with books and studying. But she found my dry and sarcastic comments entertaining and I actually found myself interested in a lot of the things she would talk about.

Slow to warm, but our friendship continued to build and by the time we were in high school we were inseparable. She wasn't as nerdy as I thought she was and I wasn't as much of an asshole as she thought I was. We balanced each other out.

Around the time of my first boyfriend is when things started shifting without me even realizing. It lasted the school year and I had Mitchie on the sidelines constantly waiting for him to fuck up because she knew he would. And he did. I remember letting her take my arm and drag me down the hallway to his locker where she proceeded to pour her soda into the slits, ruining almost everything he had in there.

It was my first heartbreak and her first detention. But after that I should have known that Mitchie cared about me like nobody else.

Second guy to fuck me over she kicked him in the balls. Twice. Third time she egged his car and then took me out to cheer me up. That last one was a bad one. I had been seeing this guy for almost two years in college. And as my best friend, and roommate, it was her duty to make sure I was never unhappy.

That's how we were. I would go through the emotional turmoil and the heartbreaks and she would be the one bringing me back down to Earth and putting the pieces back together.

"Just do it Alex, he's a piece of shit," she had told me that night, holding an egg out to me. She had done quite a number on his car already but she insisted that I would feel better if I did it too.

"Mitch, shouldn't I be handling this like an adult?"

"Fuck that. If he wants to be a child then get revenge like one."

We had been drinking that night. Not the heavy _I don't want to feel feelings_ kind of drinking but I was annoyed and just wanted to relax for once.

"Is this my doing? Was I a bad influence on you when we were younger? Because you've gotten feistier over the years."

She had this ridiculously adorable laugh and especially when she was drunk it would be loud and obnoxious and I still loved to hear it. It was infectious and made me laugh too. I remember seeing a light go on in the house and I threw the egg Mitchie was holding at the car and grabbed her hand and took off with her.

"Don't be a coward," she joked and I slowed down until we were far enough from the house. She pulled the water bottle she had been drinking her alcohol from out of her backpack and took a sip.

"Fuck off I don't want us getting arrested or something," I said, shoving her arm.

"You're no fun. Come on we need to have fun. Forget this douche he's just like the rest of them you keep seeing."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you keep dating assholes and I keep seeing you get hurt because of them." I took the water bottle from her and drank from it. Her playful tone turned a bit more serious and she tilted her head. "You're amazing, okay? And you deserve so much better."

"Who should I date then? I'll let you pick this time."

"You don't _have_ to be with someone."

"But I'll get your seal of approval," I settled and I saw a faint smile she was trying to suppress. "If you think they're not good enough then I won't waste my time."

"You trust me enough for that?"

"I trust you with my life so why not?"

"Are you just saying this because you're drunk?"

"Maybe," I said honestly and she couldn't help but laugh again.

"Oh man." She draped an arm over my shoulder and kissed my cheek, and still laughing she said, "I love you, Alex."

"I love you too, Mitch. You're the only one who deserves my affections," I proclaimed dramatically.

"Damn right I am."

I didn't know it at the time but that drunken declaration was the truest thing I had ever said in my life. Mitchie really was the only person who deserved my love. But I had a hard time accepting that. She on the other hand didn't take as long.

It was in the middle of our college careers when she came out to me, realizing that she had zero interest in guys at all which explained her complete indifference to anyone that had ever given her any attention. It wasn't until a year later that she kissed me when I was nursing yet another heartbreak.

She was scared; I could tell. She pulled away a little abruptly but I didn't want her to. I might have been sad and lonely and I might have been subconsciously reveling in the taste of her lips. But she froze up and stuttered and tripped over her words when she tried to clumsily apologize to me and all I could do was touch my lips and stare at her hands and note how they looked like she was trying to keep them from shaking.

And I remember being the one to kiss her next. She was still trying to figure out what to say to not make it awkward and I leaned forward and practically threw myself on top of her while we were still sitting on the floor of our room. I didn't know what was going through my head but she was beautiful and she sounded beautiful and the way she would touch my skin while I kissed her made me forget everything.

We waited until the next day to talk about what had happened.

"You don't have to apologize for it, Mitch," I had told her when she would not stop saying she was sorry. "But…what happened?" I asked curiously. I wanted to avoid flat out asking what was up because I didn't want to put her on the spot like that but I had to know.

"I don't know. It was just…I couldn't help it, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Don't make me say it, Alex. This is weird enough as it is." And without even telling me, I knew. She looked at me in a way she never did before, or I just never noticed until she had kissed me. And suddenly things made sense and I felt bad for making her talk about it.

"It's not weird," I told her.

"It's not?"

"I don't think it is." And I didn't. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it before, back when she first told me she wasn't into guys. I had wondered if the thought of me and her ever crossed her mind.

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"Stop saying sorry. I mean…I kissed you too, you know." She nodded her head and bit her lip, not knowing how to handle the situation from there.

"Right." My eyes involuntarily followed the motion of her lips and the way she would exhale softly even though she was having a hard time controlling her breathing.

"And I kind of want to kiss you again," I absentmindedly admitted and I watched her cheeks take on a light red tint as she looked both shocked and nervous. I didn't even know what I was saying. I wasn't thinking about how it would affect either of us emotionally because all I could think about was the physical thrill of kissing my best friend more passionately than I had ever kissed anyone before.

"I…" she stammered and closed her mouth and tried to think of something intelligent or smooth to say. But I didn't give her the chance before I stepped into her and grabbed her face, planting my lips on hers.

I want to say it was a mistake. Maybe it was. But the mistakes came later on. The mistakes came in the form of going back to her when I was lonely instead of sure. The mistakes came when she told me straight up that she loved me, not like the way she loved me before. But she actually _loved_ me; head over heels, can't eat can't sleep, always on your mind kind of love. And I didn't know if I loved her too.

The biggest mistake was telling her I did anyway.

I didn't know what I was feeling. Mitchie was everything I could have ever wanted. You can't force attraction and I thought maybe I just couldn't be attracted to a girl. And I knew she would have understood that if I had just told her from the beginning. But I wanted to be selfish, so much that I didn't even stop to think how she felt. But that couldn't have been it.

After a while of back and forth I felt guilty and told her that whatever it was that we were doing needed to stop. We would hook up then I would get nervous or scared and pull away or try to focus my feelings and attention on somebody else. I was too overwhelmed with her feelings and my own that I didn't know what to do with them. In theory we were perfect for each other. So what the hell was the problem?

The worst was when she asked me if I really did even love her. Because she did it so damn _nicely_.

"Of course I do," I tried to tell her but she looked unconvinced. She sighed sadly. What I thought was going to be some dramatic breakup, if you can even call it that, ended up being a very mature understanding. And I think that made it hurt more. She was just…taking it.

"You don't have to force yourself, Alex. It's okay. I kind of had a feeling you didn't want this anyway."

"But Mitchie-"

"I can't be mad at you for it. I mean, I wish you'd have been honest with me about it but-"

"I've been honest with you. You can't tell me I don't care about you."

"I know that you care about me. Maybe even more than friends should care about each other. But I also know it's not enough."

"What does that even mean? You know I love you Mitch you're my best friend. I just…don't know if this is a good idea." I was always afraid to take any extra steps in whatever relationship I had with her. I didn't want to hurt her and I knew there were so many ways I could do it.

"You don't have to explain yourself. It's okay, really."

She was too fucking nice to me, I swear. I messed with that poor girl's mind so much without even meaning to and she was still so nice about it. I would have felt better if she had been hurt and yelled and called me rude things like every time a guy messed with my head and she had a million and one things to say about them. Why couldn't she just do that for me?

I saw it breaking her every time I would show interest in some guy and then come back to her. It didn't happen often; I couldn't bring myself to put her through that kind of torment. But it happened a couple times and after a while I couldn't do any of it anymore. One minute I knew for sure I wasn't attracted to her and the next I found myself wanting to kiss her and forget everything again. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't know what to do.

And I was honest with her from then on. I would tell her I wanted her then I would tell her I wasn't sure. She grew frustrated with me but tried not to let it show. And by the time we were out of college I had gone through one last boyfriend that I truly thought was what I had been looking for all along. He was great and it was fun and easy and I felt like I had finally figured everything out. Mitchie was just my best friend after all. And I just loved the attention she gave when I was lonely; it wasn't the kind of love I knew she felt. She was fine with me being in a relationship because I had stopped going back to her but I could see she was taking it harder than she was letting on.

She would be so withdrawn and just look sad when he would come around or I would tell her I was going out with him. I tried to make sure to not bring him up to the best of my ability. I knew she still had feelings for me although I couldn't fathom why after everything we had been through. But I thought we were at a solid place.

At the end of the year he was going to move back home and didn't think it would work out between us. Mitchie was trying to comfort me and I wanted to kiss her again. I had thought I was past all of that but she had her hand on my back and I felt calm with her. I felt like things would be okay when I would just feel horrible otherwise. I remember trying to kiss her that time and she wouldn't let me.

"Alex, stop."

"Why not?"

"Because you're upset and I don't want you to do this again. You got all sad and confused last time. We said we weren't going to do this anymore, remember? You can't just change your mind whenever you feel like it," she explained while I couldn't stop staring at her hands. It might have been the influx of emotions I was feeling from someone I thought loved me wanting to leave me to someone else I thought loved me trying to console me. I lowered my head on her shoulder and cried.

And it was just that, those months of pulling her close then acting like nothing happened then doing it all over again, that drove her away. Who wouldn't get fed up with that? She never made it a point to constantly talk about her feelings or always remind me that, yes, she was still absolutely for some stupid reason in love with me. Even when I was with someone else she was still in love with me and she never tried to make that an issue between us. She continued to live with me and with her feelings and I made absolutely no effort to make things easy for her; I realize this now. She was a saint and I was an idiot.

"What's wrong with me?" I mumbled into her shirt and she rubbed my back, sighing heavily.

"Nothing, Alex. You're fine," she said. "You're gonna be fine."

Certainly I knew the day would come when Mitchie and I would go our separate ways. We weren't going to live together forever but the way it was happening, it just felt so…permanent. From the moment she told me that she wanted to move out I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't leave me alone until the day she left.

It was the most unsettling thing, watching her pack. And I didn't think I would feel so bad seeing my best friend go her own way. I didn't think I'd miss her that much because we'd obviously still see each other and talk all the time, right? I couldn't deny that it made me feel sick once she was gone and I had no idea why. At least, I thought I didn't.

I hated myself for messing things up so badly. If I had just been honest with her about my confusion from the very first time she might not have left. We might have been able to get through everything but I couldn't help myself.

My boyfriend at the time hadn't ended things just yet and we were still in the rocky phase of trying to see where things would go if we just left it alone for a while. I didn't understand why he didn't think we would last beyond college or long distance and he would put off giving me an actual reason until the one time he told me he didn't trust me.

Because of Mitchie.

I honestly didn't think he would say that, of all the possible things. My best friend, who almost never spoke to the guy, made him uncomfortable. I thought it was ridiculous.

"What are you even _talking_ about?" I had asked him during dinner that night, incredulously.

"Come on, Alex. Let's not be stupid about all this. You even told me you two have hooked up before."

I tried to explain to him that it didn't mean anything. But he insisted that my voice and my eyes said otherwise; _I looked like it hurt to lie_.

"What do you want me to do? She's still my best friend."

"I don't trust her."

"You don't trust her…or you don't trust me?"

"What difference does it make?"

"It makes a huge difference, actually."

"I just can't help but feel like if I wasn't around, what's stopping you from…doing that again?"

"You don't trust me," I said, not really looking at him, and then I scoffed.

"Alex…"

"You don't trust me."

"You're being defensive. You're not even denying it or reassuring me anything."

"Because this is _stupid_."

"Maybe to you. But how would you feel if I had someone else on the side?"

"I don't _have someone on the side_. I've never done anything with her since we were together. We're friends. That's it." He was making me mad by that point and I didn't even want to be there anymore. I knew him knowing about her and me, even her in general and her feelings for me, would make him uncomfortable. But I didn't think he would take it so far.

"Yeah, I'm sure…"

"I really don't know what you want from me."

"Let me know that I can trust you when I leave."

"And how would you like me to do that?" I asked dryly.

"Stop talking to her," he said and I swore I thought I heard him wrong. There was no way he was asking something so incredibly stupid of me.

"What?" I said, almost laughing, but he looked so unamused it was almost annoying how serious he was being. "And what if I don't?"

"Then this isn't going to work out next year." He had his arms folded and I wanted to roll my eyes at how pretentious and entitled he looked. I did love him at the time but the more he spoke that night the easier he was making it for me. When I didn't respond right away, too busy trying to process the sheer and absolute fuckery that was unfolding before me, he spoke up again. "This shouldn't be hard. It's me or her."

And that did it for me.

I couldn't hold back the laughter that burst past my lips even if I tried. I didn't hold back. It wasn't some soft giggle or stifled laugh; it was full on eyes closed, stomach hurting, people in the restaurant staring at us laughter. I almost had tears in my eyes.

The second the question left his mouth it was like a switch went off in my head. It sounded so obvious when it was put into words so bluntly. How could I ever choose anyone over Mitchie? Even just as my best friend. I had tried multiple times to just forget about her, not completely obviously, but when she moved out I knew I needed to stop thinking of her feelings and my feelings. She was right; we needed the space to think. But I quickly found out that it was impossible.

Mitchie wasn't someone you could simply just _forget_. She was beautiful. She was fun. She was the sweetest person you could ever imagine. God, she just had this incredible aura of endless wonder and I couldn't get enough of her. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get her out of my head. Months had passed and I still couldn't stop thinking about her.

And sitting in front of my boyfriend, listening to him _demand_ I choose him over her…things could not have been clearer. I would pick her every time. No matter what. Even when she was gone, I was still stuck on her.

I laughed even harder. And he continued to stare at me, unamused as ever.

"Oh wow," I breathed out, finally getting a moment. "Her."

"Excuse me?" he asked and I was still trying not to start laughing again. It was literally hysterical.

"Her," I repeated. I knew he heard me the first time and I was almost delighted to say it again. "You want me to choose? I choose her."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Alex?"

"Are _you _kidding me? You can't control me or who I talk to or who I'm friends with. You made this so easy for me," I shot back and pushed my chair, grabbing my jacket and bag. "Word of advice, in the future, _never_ give a girl an ultimatum. She's never going to pick someone who forces her to choose them." I reached into my wallet and pulled some money out and tossed it on the table. "Don't worry about next year," I said and walked out of the restaurant before he could say anything else.

We had kept in touch, Mitchie and I, although not as much as I was used to. I had gotten so attached to her and so used to her being around all the time it was hard for me to function, like someone learning to go about their day once they quit smoking. I was addicted to Mitchie. And the withdrawals were worse than I could have imagined.

Every time I was alone all I wanted was her. I realized that I might have just wanted anyone; I'd been that way for as long as I could remember. I hated being alone. I always needed someone or I felt off. But there had to have been a reason I kept going back to her. She wasn't just convenient; she couldn't have been. Because even when she moved out I found myself going back to her.

After I left the restaurant that night I drove straight to Mitchie's apartment. I didn't go over as often as I'd have liked and I knew it was because Mitchie still wanted her space. But maybe there wasn't anything left to figure out. Maybe I was just being stupid all along.

The word _maybe_ was something I used too often. It's probably why she got tired and hurt so often. _Maybe _I loved her. _Maybe_ I was lonely. _Maybe_ I was scared. _Maybe _what I was feeling wasn't what she was feeling. It couldn't have been, right?

But it was. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself it wasn't…I loved her. I wanted her when some stupid boy would break my heart because I knew she would never do that. I would listen to her tell me I deserved better and I would believe her. I would kiss her and feel something I could never dream of feeling with anyone else. She was my best friend and I loved her. I was head over heels, can't eat can't sleep, always on my mind in love with her.

When I knocked on her door she looked confused. I thought about all the cliché romantic bullshit I could pull. I could grab her and kiss her fiercely the second she opened the door. I could play a love song on my iPod and hold it over my head like some cheesy 80's movie. But when she asked me what I was doing there I found myself staring, frozen and unable to come up with anything good.

"I thought you were on a date," she said awkwardly when I didn't say anything.

"It ended early."

"Why?" she asked, genuinely concerned. I loved the way her brows would furrow and her voice would soften. After everything, she still cared _so_ much it was unbelievable.

"He wanted me to choose between you and him," I told her honestly. I watched as her eyes widened in confusion and disbelief. Because it really was ridiculous.

"_What_?" I didn't say anything. I just nodded and stood there trying to come up with a way to steer the conversation where I wanted it to go. "Why?"

"He doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm in love with you or something…" I said in a half joking tone to lighten the mood.

"Well…what happened?"

"I chose you."

"Alex…"

"Best friend or girlfriend or whatever you ever were or are to me, he didn't come close. He never did, Mitch. It was always you."

"What?"

"I know I don't have the best way of showing it…and I'm not sure how to go about this. But I know it was an easy decision." It was quiet while we stayed where we were and just stared at each other not knowing what to do or say. She was in jeans and a sweater and her hair was in a lazy ponytail and I smiled involuntarily at how effortlessly gorgeous she was. "God, I miss you so much."

"Look…" she started softly. "I told you that me moving out was for the best, okay? Being together under the same roof messed us up too much." I said nothing. I just kept staring at her. "I miss you too, Alex. _Believe_ me, I do. And I'm so flattered and happy that you chose me over your boyfriend. You're a sweetheart for caring enough to not jeopardize our friendship over a guy and-"

"Do you want to get dinner with me sometime?" I asked, interrupting her, and she blinked a couple times with her mouth still open, halfway ready for more words but all that came out was…

"What?"

"Can I take you out or something? Can I do this right for once?"

"Alex…I don't know…"

"I know my life is just one giant mistake after the next but you were the one truly _good_ thing I've ever had; the one thing I never regretted."

"You didn't?" she asked carefully. I had tried to come up with a million reasons. I remembered all the times I spent with her. The exes she helped me get over. The late nights and the lazy days and the miscellaneous adventures. The touches and the peace and happiness her kisses left behind.

"The only thing I regret is how stupidly I handled all of it."

"Are you sure it's even what you want. Because I really can't go through the back and forth again, Alex. It's exhausting. And I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either."

"I don't know…" she said again. "What makes this time different?"

"Because I realize that every time I was ever really happy it was when I was with you. Every time I'm sad I want you. Every time I'm bored or tired or excited or anxious I want you. And I should have seen that before but I was just…I don't know. It scared me. It scared me how much I cared for you. How much I still care for you. I look at you and I'm so terrified that I have everything I need."

"I'm scared too, Alex." Another silence fell upon us and I felt my heart racing, beating against my chest inside of me. I could feel every pulse like a sonic boom in my ears. "You really want to do this? No bullshit?"

"I know I'm hard to love but I want this. I want you…us. If you still do too." She looked down at the floor shyly and shook her head.

"You're not hard to love. I promise." She looked back up and I sighed, my lips curving up into a smile.

"I really do love you, you know," I admitted. For the first time, completely and utterly sure. "Can I say that I'm sorry? For everything?"

Instead of insisting that I shouldn't apologize like always she simply said, "It's okay."

"What do you say, Mitch? And if you don't want to I'll understand completely. No pressure and no expectations; I promise. We can put everything behind us if that's what you want."

It was hard but I knew it's what was right. She didn't deserve that kind of crap anymore. She stayed where she was, deep in thought. I tried to read the expression on her face but she squinted her eyes and her nose crinkled a little when she smiled and tilted her head. And she was beyond adorable.

"Can I pick the place?" she asked coyly and I let out a soft breath I didn't even realize I was holding in. I felt overwhelmed. Like I wanted to crash our lips together in some passionate declaration of love and pick her up and spin her around and show her off to the world. But my hands were kind of shaky and my smile was so big that I didn't think I could move my mouth to kiss her properly.

"You can pick whatever you want." I stepped into her and wrapped my arms around her, resting my chin on her shoulder and sighing into her hair, like I hadn't seen her in forever. Like I was welcoming her back home. But in reality, I was the one who was back home.

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**i know it's kinda like my last one shot but not as sad so YA. drop a review and let me know if u liked it or whatnot.**

**the song i used for the story is It Had To Be You by Motion City Soundtrack.**

**you're all lovely, have a nice day, goodbye.**


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